Life is Beautiful!

I am not entirely sure where to start. I guess I am going to start off by saying that this won't be the most up beat blog I have done and that I am mostly writing this for me. I read once that writing can be a great form of therapy. So I thought that I'd give it a try.

Brad and I have been trying to get pregnant for 8 months now and before that we were "if it happens, it happens" for I'd say 4 months. That means that it has been a year and I am not pregnant. Well, I was once, but miscarried. That was hard. I don't think I would wish that on my worst enemy. I wasn't very far a long, just far enough to know what was happening. It took us 7- 8 months to get pregnant with Sammie, so I wasn't expecting to get pregnant right away. Statistics show that something like only 25% of couple are pregnant within the first 3 months and the by 7 months 75% of couples are pregnant and that by a year 90% of couple are pregnant. Well hello.....why can't i be one of those statistics. Seriously, there are people out there that have kids and don't deserve them and people who are pregnant that don't even try. What was god thinking...I am ready and willing to have another child. To finish my family. Don't get me wrong...I love Brad and I Love and Adore Sammie like I never thought was possible. But I just feel like there is this tiny little puzzle piece missing from life.

I would say since January my periods have been what you call RIDICULOUS. They come and go as the please. At the begining I was having my period right on schedule and then 2011 comes and I have two periods a month and now in March I was 10 days late, but not pregnant. I got my hopes up so high that month when I was 5 days late, but then I took the pregnancy test...negative. You have to be freaking kidding me. Then it came and I have always kept track of my ovulating schedule to increase our chances. And in April I was so anal about it....We did it every other day for 3 weeks. Then period time came....2 days late no period.... 7 days late no period. I took a pregnancy test...negative. 10 days late...I call Dr. Susa and he told to me try to wait it out a little longer. More than likely it would come, just like last month. But last month At least I started spotting at 7 days. It was what Dr.Susa likes to call overflow. But this month no spotting. Since he told me to wait it out, I waited it out till we got back from the Dells. I didn't think about it once, not once. It was so nice not to focus on it...to relax and enjoy the family. I got back on Tuesday and I called Dr. Susa yesterday (by this point I am 18 days late) and he asked if I took another pregnancy test. Of course I did, i took one that morning...negative. So he prescribed my Provera to make me ovulate to get my period. And once I get my period I am to go in and we will discuss my options further and to some tests.

My options...are you fucking kidding me. I opt to be pregnant please. I want to complete my family. I want to have another baby. Susa said that I may need to be put in fertility drugs, but we won't know for certain till we do some test. And even though he put my on Provera that is no guarantee that I will get my period and ovulate. What the hell. If something is wrong and I can't have kids or we are going to struggle to have kids...what next. I am fine adopting, but we can't afford that now. It would be a couple more years and by then Sammie will be between 4 and 5.

Life sucks sometimes. I know that god has a plan for me, but sometimes it is hard to know what it is. Why will he let people who shouldn't have kids, have them. What plan is that? Why not me? Please answer me that. I don't feel like a bad mom. Is there something that I am missing?

Posted in: on Thursday, May 5, 2011 at at 10:05 AM